Last week we talked about the negative self-image and its role in alcoholism and chemical dependency (GRC educational series #3).
For the benefit of those who joined us this week I will briefly recapitulate. The negative self-image refers to the person who is in reality well qualified and completely adequate, but whose self-concept is distorted so that he sees himself to be inadequate, incompetent, unattractive and/or unlikable. We pointed out how these unjustified feelings of inadequacy make even minor challenges appear overwhelming, and may lead the person to seek escape by means of alcohol or drugs.
Some of you may immediately recognize that this describes you accurately, and that you had always felt yourself to be inferior to others. You may therefore be pleased to learn this self-concept was undoubtedly erroneous, that you had short-changed yourself, and that you are in fact a much better person than you had considered yourself to be.
Others may feel that this description does not suit them, and that in fact they will always felt positively about themselves. Well, let’s see.
Perhaps you had a tendency to try and please others, a difficulty in saying no to anyone even when their request was an imposition. If you didn’t really wish to do things, why were you so compliant? Could it be because you felt that if you turned down someone’s request, that person might now like you? If that is so, then you were actually buying friendship, and trying to acquire someone’s affection or friendship by paying for it. No one will pay for something that they can get free. Buying friendship by whatever means betrays the feeling, “I am unlikable. Unless I do something to deserve being liked, people will not like me.” This is a classic pattern of the person with a negative self-concept.
Perhaps you were a loner, preferring isolation to much contact with people. I think that the natural inclination of people is to be gregarious. People who avoid contact with others probably do so because they anticipate that they will somehow be hurt. They expect to be shunned or rejected, and a sure way to avoid rejection is to simply avoid everyone. The anticipation of rejection is based on the conviction, “There is something about me that people will not like.”
If you look at any object, say this table here, you automatically assume that everyone else also sees this as a table. Why? Because it is only natural to assume that others perceive what you perceive. If your self perception is negative to you, that perception is a reality to you, distorted as it may be. You are therefore certain that everyone else has the same perception of you that you have of yourself.
This feeling of negative self-consciousness is a frequent participant of drinking. Many people say, “I feel very awkward when I am with a group of people, but if I have a few drinks, I am okay.” What happens of course, is that alcohol anesthetizes the distress of self-consciousness just as it can anesthetize any other discomfort.
Another characteristic of people who think poorly of themselves is a need to demonstrate to others as well as to themselves, that they are really not as bad as all that. Sometimes this is done by grandiosity, as with boasting or name-dropping. At other times this is accomplished by trying to prove oneself. One example of this is the inability to accept help. It is as though accepting help would be an admission or confrontation of one’s weakness. This is the kind of show-offish thing that is normal in kids. “Look, Ma! No Hands!” for the child who feels little in a world of grownups, this is quite normal. The person who is in reality big but feels little, may use the “Look, Ma! No Hands!” maneuver to overcome the feeling of littleness. But trying to do things alone when one is unable to do so is even more hazardous then riding a bike without holding on to the handlebars.
Virtually every person with a drinking problem exhibits this behavior. There were times when it was very clear to you that the addiction was uncontrollable, and that repeated efforts to master it alone had failed. Why then the “I don’t need any help. I can take care of it myself.” ? I think this was a desperate attempt to avoid what you perceived as weakness. Admission of loss of control is terribly threatening to someone who has low self-esteem. On the other hand, when you feel good about yourself, accepting appropriate help is not at all demeaning, and it is not a threat to one’s ego.
People who lack self-confidence may be very reluctant to undertake any venture. Their feelings of inadequacy lead them to believe that they are likely to fail. Furthermore, their fragile self-esteem makes any possible failure a shattering experience which must be avoided at all costs. Failure can be avoided by not trying. You can’t fail at something you don’t try, and so they become chronic underachievers.
In those instances when a person with this problem does undertake a venture, he may become increasingly anxious as his venture approaches fruition. It is like climbing a ladder, knowing you are apt to fall. If you are standing on the first or second rung, the fall will not be too severe, but if you are neat the top of the ladder, the fall can be very painful. So if you have started to climb the ladder, and know for sure that you are going to fall, it is only good logic to jump down before you rise too high. Some of you will recall the pattern of beginning to achieve something and then sabotaging it before it succeeds. This is what may happen when a person judges himself negatively.
This maneuver of precipitating a failure because you expect to fail is also the reason why some people go out of their way to provoke a rejection. If you believe that others will reject you, the anxiety and tension of expecting the rejection may be too painful to bear, and the person may do something which is certain to bring rejection. As painful as the rejection may be, it seems to be more tolerable than the anxiety and tension of waiting for it to happen. Many, many romances have been terminated when one of the partners forced a rejection. Just think about it a bit, and you may remember.
The feeling of low self-esteem can make people so sensitive that they may perceive many things as a put down or insult. It is similar to someone who has sustained a severe sunburn, where even the slightest touch may evoke pain. People with low self-esteem can be hurt by things that were never intended to be insults or put downs, but they interpret them as such because of their exquisite sensitivity. They will tell you how others have belittled them, and how their spouses have been rude to them. Of course, as the progresses and the behavior of progressive alcoholism occurs, they do things which do actually provoke criticism, and then they say “See, I told you that people are always downing me.”
One of our alumni tells how in her drinking days she was driving with her mother, and crossed over into the lane of oncoming traffic. When her mother screamed at he, “Get back, you’re going to kill us!”, she burst into tears, crying “There you go again. You’re always criticizing me!”
These behavior patterns and several others occur in people who have unwarranted feelings of negativity, whether or not they are alcoholic or chemically dependent. All of these behaviors are destructive, and when combined with alcoholism or addiction become even more destructive. Addiction leads to self-fulfilling prophecy; and eventually people begin to do things that further depress their self-esteem, and we end up with the vicious cycle so often seen in addiction. These behavior patterns are discussed in greater length in my book Like Yourself and Others Will Too.
In a later book, Self-Discovery in Recovery, there is a discussion of how we can reverse the vicious cycle, and especially how we can use the Twelve Step program to build positive self-esteem. During your stay in rehab, we can only show you the way it is done, and point you in the right direction. It remains for you to work on building self-esteem, and this cannot be accomplished overnight. I will guarantee you this much. By eliminating the destructive effects of mind-altering chemicals, you will permit your brain to function properly. By following the recovery program outlined for you, you will be pleasantly surprised to make the acquaintance of a wonderful person whom you never knew: yourself.
