The Negative Self-Image in Addiction
I think it would be wise for us to reflect a bit on what we are to accomplish here in 28 days. Obviously, our primary objective is to achieve sobriety. But just how are we to go about this?
There are two points that I wish to stress. First, it is absurd to think that we can complete a recovery in 28 days. Most of us have used alcohol or other chemicals for many years, and one does not reverse a long-standing lifestyle in a matter of a few weeks. Rather, what we can achieve here is a beginning. Recovery is an ongoing process which we must continue by our participation in AA or NA, and often with additional help of a counselor or therapist.
Secondly, let me just caution you on what not to expect of your stay here. I recall one day when a young woman said to me “I’m so happy. I’m going home tomorrow, and I feel so much better. Everything out there looks so much better.”
“I’m sorry you added that last sentence”, I responded. “I’m afraid you are under the impression that while you were here, the world outside has changed for the better. I’m sorry to disillusion you, but it just isn’t so, I’ve been out there, and nothing has really changed in the past month. Husbands are still husbands, and wives are wives. Kids are kids and in-laws are in-laws. All the problems that were there before you came here are still out there. If you expected your sobriety to come about as a result of the problems out there going away while you were here, you’re in for a rude awakening.”
Yes, there must be a change, but the change must occur in ourselves, and as I said earlier, what we can accomplish in these 28 days is just the very beginning of a change, and we can also point the direction which the change must continue to follow.
I don’t know what the cause of alcoholism or addiction is. Perhaps there are multiple causes. Today I would like to address one factor which seems to be very prevalent, and whether it can be called a cause or not, it is something which must be corrected if true society is to be achieved.
Many years ago, I used to speak about alcoholism. When I became aware of the widespread use of tranquilizers, narcotics, and sleeping pills, I expanded the topic to “sedativism”. Then I realized that speed and cocaine, which are not sedatives, are very much in the addiction picture, and so I began talking about “chemicalism”. It then dawned on me that the single common factor that binds all these together is the ism part of the word, and that is the topic I wish to address today.
Very often, the feeling that usually precedes the addict’s taking a drink or chemical is a need to from some unpleasant sensation. The latter may be anxiety, depression, self-consciousness, boredom, or any other distressful sensation. In this way, the chemical is being used as an escape, and the feature common to most if not all chemical use may therefore be said to be escapism.
There are really only two possible options in responding to any challenge. One can either cope with a situation, or escape from it. There are no other options.
Escaping is by no means to be universally condemned. Sometimes escape is the only appropriate response. If your car is stalled on a railroad track and you see a diesel coming toward you at 110 MPH it would be foolish to say, “Let me see how I am going to cope with this problem.” You get out of there fast! “Coping” with a diesel is suicidal.
But, come to think of it, those of us who have used alcohol or chemicals to escape, have rarely done so when confronted by an oncoming diesel. Invariably our escaping into chemicals has been when we were confronted with any of the many distresses or problems of everyday life, problems in reality, with which we are perfectly capable of coping.
It is obvious, and we have learned this by painful experience, that any reality problem with which we do not cope, but from which we escape in any manner, never gets any better. Untended reality problems always become more complicated. Furthermore, if the method of escape is the use of alcohol or drugs, the person generally becomes less efficient in his/her functioning. The combination of neglected reality problems which become worse, together with the deteriorating capacity to function, leads to those horrendous messes with which we are all too familiar.
If we are in fact capable of coping with most of the challenges confronting us, why then do we choose to escape? The answer is simple. The decision whether to cope with or escape from any given situation is not based on the facts of the situation, but on our perception of the situation.
Ultimately, the choice between escaping and coping comes down to a simple analysis. If the challenge confronting me is much greater than I am, such as an incoming diesel, then I choose to escape. When I am clearly greater than the challenge, then I choose to cope. If we seem to be pretty evenly matched, I am likely to enlist a bit of help from someone else, and in this manner I am able to cope.
It is obvious that if I have many negative feelings about myself, if I think of myself as inadequate, incompetent, unintelligent, unattractive, or unlikable, I am apt to consider many challenges as being too difficult for me to handle. All problems in life are then perceived as oncoming diesels, not because they are so immense, but because I see myself as so small. It is the proportion of myself, vis-a-vis the challenge, that counts. If I have feelings of inferiority, insecurity, or low self-esteem, then regardless of how capable I am in fact, everything becomes overwhelming, and I am likely to escape from situations which are well within my actual coping capacity.
Feelings of inadequacy and low self-confidence are very prevalent among alcoholics and chemically dependent people. Furthermore, these negative self-feelings invariably preceded the addiction. Most chemically dependent people will say something like “I felt different from everyone else when I was 7,” or “I never felt good about myself,” or “I usually felt inferior to others, yet sometimes I would set myself up high and look down my nose at people. But whether I felt superior or inferior, I never felt equal, unless I drank. When you don't feel equal, you don’t belong.”
Of course, any pre-existing feelings of negativity are greatly aggravated by the personality-eroding effects and consequences of alcohol and drugs, so that as the addiction progresses, the self-esteem progressively worsens, and the person feels less and less capable of coping.
These troublesome feelings of self-negativity are invariably in reality unjustified. Indeed, the most profound feelings of inadequacy are apt to occur in people who are most gifted, and it is characteristic that these people will continue to feel inadequate even when there is incontrovertible evidence of their excellence. A very capable physician who could not think of anything positive to say about herself was confronted with the fact that she had graduated summa cum laude and had won the Phi Beta Kappa award. Her comment was, “When they told me I had won Phi Beta Kappa, I knew they had made a mistake.”
Among the necessary achievements in successful sobriety is the attainment of coping skills, so that the pattern of escapism can be reversed. In order for these people to feel that they can cope, they must become aware of their true personality assets and capabilities to which they have been blind for so long.
It is the beginning of a correct self-awareness that you can achieve during your 28 days here, and the work you must go on after you leave. The Twelve Steps of AA and NA are unequalled as techniques of self-awareness and self-esteem. This theme is expanded in the book Self-Discovery in Recovery (Hazeldon). Growth in sobriety can be nothing less than fantastic, but it requires work. People with experience in the program can help guide you, but the program will work for you only if you work it. You must have a sponsor, a home group, regular attendance at meetings, and you must work the Twelve Steps. Your therapist may also recommend a counselor to help you with some problems that cannot be dealt with in the program. Counseling is a valuable adjunct to the program, but it is not a substitute.
One of our alumni wrote us on her fourth anniversary, “The first two years, the only thing i did right was not drink and go to meetings. I want you to know it has taken me four years to finally feel good about myself. When i entered Gateway four years ago I was utterly beaten, wanting to die, but not having the courage to take my own life. Today I don’t have to tear myself down anymore. I can accept help from others, and I know I have so much to give. I am so thankful to God, to Gateway, and to the program.”
“Four years!” you will say. “Isn’t that a tall order for someone whose frustration tolerance was measured by a stopwatch?” Sorry about that, folks. Somebody walked off with my magic wand. Some things just can’t be hurried, like pregnancy. There is no equivalent of a microwave oven for sobriety.
It is also crucial to know that living is not a stagnant process. We either progress or regress. If we do not grow, we shrink. This is why it is vital to continue with the AA or NA program indefinitely. You never graduate. If you do not grow in sobriety, relapse into active addiction is a virtual certainty.
Do not be afraid of achieving self-awareness. I can assure you that it will be a pleasant surprise. There is nothing complicated about recovery. Of course there are hurdles to overcome, but even if recovery seems difficult, it is really quite simple. Furthermore, you can get all the help you need. Before too long, you will become aware that you too can give help as well as receive it, and living becomes more enjoyable than ever before, perhaps even better that prior to the addiction.
The guidelines and instructions are all there. Have a happy recovery!
